Co-worker Confections

I have noticed something from working in an office made-up of 95% women: there is always something to eat. Every alcove, every peninsula, every nook in the building has a foil-covered plate on it with some kind of cookie, pastry, pie, cake, truffle, sweet roll, or pound cake upon it. Early in the day, those in closest proximity exercise amazing will power. They say things like, "Oh, it looks amazing but I couldn't... Or "keep me away from that," and on, and on. But then as the day grows closer to lunch, little one inch dents appear. When caught, the guilty usually smile sheepishly as they confirm its goodness with gushing compliments to its maker. After lunch, the dents grow from one inch to more substantial helpings. Excuses change to justifiers like, "gotta have that sugar rush" and "one more couldn't hurt'" thereby giving those in their hearing permission to gorge on what's left. What I can't seem to understand is in the presence of daily comments of "Oh, I'm SO fat," why my co-workers keep baking and bringing the stuff in?! Do they do it vindictively? Does Barbera smile with satisfaction as she pulls her 10,000 calorie chocolate cake out of the oven certain of its pound-packing allure? Or do they do it to guarantee that no one loses weight--EVER!! I can't protest too loudly, I would rather work as a minority among women any day, especially women who bake.

Make Room

Okay so, these are the new self-imposed rules to prevent becoming a holiday hoarder. For every addition, there must be an equivalent subtraction. For clothing gifts from Mom, that's easy, everything she gives me gets exchanged for clothes I will actually wear. This Christmas brought new shirts and jeans from several givers. A generous survey of my closet made me realize that my hoarding had already grown legs. I was able to easily make quota for the new holiday rule, with a couple of additional honorable mentions:
1) A gray shirt that was two washes away from a final farewell in the dryer lint trap
2) A very old pair of jeans I used to call "relationship jeans." These are what I used to wear before Cindy introduced me to something called "loose fit." Before this very necessary fashion and comfort change, I believed that all men had to deal with the denim snugness that produced the timeless question, "Do I know you?"--especially upon sitting
3) An old pair of brown slacks that had the beginning of a long gash down its rear, and believe me, I have NO idea how that happened. Whenever I contemplated parting with them in the past, I reasoned, I could paint in them. I have painted on three separate occasions since, and could not bring myself to adorn a garment that sported my butt for the luxury of sparing my better pants, not to mention the other painters.

All in all, I parted with eight garments, which in testosterone terms means I'm growing up!

I'm Going To Sneeze

It's the only time you preface a bodily function with an announcement, well, unless you're a junior higher. It's always been a head's up for me as a random opportunity to bless a complete stranger. "God bless that man" and "God bless that woman" shouted from the general vicinity of a sneeze is almost always well-received, if even in an obligatory manner. I only realized the necessity of the announcement this morning as one of my colleagues made a desperate leap for the corner of my desk. The warm mist that showered my shoulders was followed by a sheepish apology. It was then that I realized he had violated the code of conduct. He didn't announce his sneeze!

Rearview Mirror

The Twentieth High School Reunion, who can beat it? Twenty years of anticipating being thrown back into a room with all the people who helped you flesh out the true meaning of awkward. Funny how some of the same people can evoke the same response regardless of how many years are placed in between. I will add that the classmates of mine who put ours together truly did a great job, lots of planning paid off. It is a strange feeling being with so many people from the 80's once more. Most looked remarkably the same, though others were like 'magic eye.' You had to stare for awhile, and then, oohhhhhhh, I see it now! We had a contest at our table of trying to locate the person(s) most desperately trapped in a conversation they would give anything to be free from. The over animated gestures were a dead giveaway. Nobody is that interested that paint is mixed on site, or that the red-tailed robin is migrating early this year. I noticed my place in the group picture was much like my place in the class picture in 1988, with one huge exception. Only the upper half of my head showed up in 1988, but in 2008, the whole head made the cut! I am already dreaming big for the 30-year! If there is any lesson I am taking from the experience, it is that high school is a poor place to take cues for how one's life will turn out (thank-you, Lord!), and that the friends one chooses to keep from such an early date, are the keepers.

I cringe everytime I see them. Why, WHY do we need hard hats? What are we expecting to fall from the sky that will require a hard hat? I've never met anyone who was thankful they had their hard hat on. Who invented these? What landed on this poor guy, and why do so many have to suffer the plight of his disaster? How about instead, a video explaining in layman's terms, how to watch where you're going? I have never understood their use, and all the ridiculous places people are required to wear them. In my garbage-slinging days, I was required to wear one. I can't remember exactly where I 'lost' it. I had a buddy that was required to write-up an injury report explaining how a hard hat could have prevented his injury. He was driving his garbage truck into the landfill. Upon backing-up in the designated unloading area, his truck ran over a soft area, and the truck ended-up on its side. Were you actually wearing your hard hat, I asked him? No, he said, it was on the passenger seat next to me, but when the truck turned on its side, it came over and hit me in the head! If nothing else, it was a fun accident report form to fill out.

I'm just positive the inventor was intoxicated when the idea for 'hard hats' was born. He must have thought to himself, "what if we all just wore really hard hats?"

3.14 Reasons to Visit

About 8 years ago, I was a youth pastor intern at a church called Westminster Presbyterian in Huntsville, Alabama. That experience remains one of the very best in my life. The youth there changed my life, and I will forever remember how God used them to deepen my love for ministry. Cool thing is, many of them remain good friends, and as life would have it, I am living in their neck of the woods these days. Ironically, I am currently ministering to the polar opposite of youth--those at the end of their lives, but my experience with them has nothing to do with that. In presbyterian circles, we simply call that providence, and no further explanation is needed.

Anyway, in the youth days, there lived a family named the Shipmans. "Pronounce the 'P'," they would always say. I could count on these 3 girls to work magic in the group, mainly because so many of the rest of the youth looked up to them. With the Shipmans on board, anything was possible. Oh, and God. Him too. I remember receiving the news that we had a couple of kids leaving the group and headed to the mission field for Arian Jia. At the last minute, Amanda had the great idea of making a scrapbook for them before they left the following day. Great idea, I told her, but there just isn't enough time to pull it off.

At send off day, there was Queen Amanda with one of the most artistically and creatively put together scrapbooks I have ever seen! It was a very special and meaningful addition to a tearful send off for the kids. I had drastically underestimated what she could do. And that was only the beginning.

The Shipmans were 3 natural born leaders, and I could continually count on them to help lead. Their parents were always willing to volunteer their house, their time, as well as themselves to whatever plan had come apart--even if it was the last minute.

Earlier today, I combed through youth pictures I had on file. These were taken at least 8 years ago, and I know a certain Adams' boy who has slightly changed in appearance...he's so cute! All that to say, that Queen Amanda graciously endorsed me in her imminently creative blog this morning, and I felt compelled to return the favor. Not out of obligation, mind you, but because she remains one of the most creative people I know. Her wit is matchless, her heart golden, and her blog will make you laugh out loud. She is happily wed now, to a dynamite guy worthy of her, Wade. My wife and I are still getting to know him, but he is great for her.

Boy, Princess is right, I have a lot to say! All that to say, you really owe yourself frequent visits to a blog that I have come to count on for a smile. Tell all your friends, and let her know the hospice chaplain told you to call.

She and Wade's blog:
Pettuspie.blogspot.com

summer cleaning

Recently, a friend of mine had a colonoscopy. No one's favorite procedure, but hey, the thought of colon cancer makes it sound pleasant. Since I am nearing the colonoscopy age, I thought it would be wise to be proactive in my colon health. What I found on the internet in this realm made me rethink this decision, and to perhaps take a whole day to focus on this goal. I certainly did not realize that so much ambiance was involved in the whole ordeal. Read on, but remember, this suggestion is not for the faint-of-heart:

High Enema
A high enema is designed to wash, clean out, and empty the entire colon, the large intestine. By comparison, a regular enema only washes fecal matter out of the area near your rectum. When done properly, you will introduce enough water into your bowel that it will reach to the beginning of the colon, which is an average of 5-6 feet long. This can be done easily at home. The first time requires a little patience. Place a couple of old towels or rugs on the bathroom floor for cushioning and to catch any water leakage. One can make themselves comfortable, by putting a little heater in the bathroom. They might want to play some soothing music, spray some essential oils or light some incense; create a comfortable environment to enhance the experience. After filling the enema bag with warmed, purified water or herbal tea mixture (not tap water), lubricate the speculum with vegetable oil or ghee. Kneel on the towels with elbows touching the floor. Insert the speculum slowly into the rectum.


Eight to sixteen ounces of water or herbal tea can be introduced while kneeling on the floor with the shoulders as low as possible. Some catnip can be added to the water if one is prone to having bowel spasms. (Make sure the cat is locked out) Now, start introducing water into the colon itself, it's very simple. Just lower your shoulders and relax as much as possible, unclip the hose and let the water slowly fill the colon. Not much water gets in the first 2 or 3 times, because there isn't much room in a plugged up colon. Usually most people will feel a lot of pressure and feel a need to eliminate. The water can be felt, especially if cooler water is used or if there is a little vinegar in the water, on the left side as it's entering the sigmoid and descending colon. If it feels a little crampy, or, like it can't be held, clip the hose to stop the water flow, relax and breathe, then unclip the hose slowly and fill again, getting as much water in as possible. It will take about 40 minutes to an hour to do this high enema. There's no hurry to get up. The rectum will empty, but there will also be some emptying out of the descending and sigmoid colon. Use a little more oil or clarified butter, fill the enema bag again, and then kneel down. The second or third time gets a lot more water in. The whole bag will be emptied.


The water will be felt on the left side, all the way up under the left ribs, where the colon makes a turn. At this point, one can roll over and lie on their back. The rear can be elevated with a little pillow to create an incline. The water will then travel above the navel to the base of the ribcage and through the transverse colon. This may feel as though there is a belly full of water; it will feel a little heavy.


Next, you roll over onto the right side. The right side will be filling up; the water will be felt, especially if it's a little cool, going down the ascending colon to the lower right abdomen, where the colon begins. When it feels like no more can be taken in, or the bag is empty, clip the hose off, remove the speculum and lie there. Elevate your rear a little more if possible, to help move the water through the colon. Some people do a yoga shoulder stand at this point to entirely invert the body upside-down. Lie there and relax. Remain there for 5-15 minutes and then get up and sit on the toilet. Just relax. All the water doesn't come out at once, rather in cycles. It may take a few evacuations to get all of the water and fecal matter out. When finished with this stage, begin again.



Should you think this sounds to you like a date, give me a call and we'll make it a double!